The Ambiguous Cookbook

“Fucking hell Chef, pizzas are really god damn hard to make, aww jeez, awww man this is awful I don’t want to do this, awww Christ.” I hear you say. But don’t be spooked by the howdy dowdy Italians and their howdy dowdy ways of howdy dowdy cooking. Here’s a recipe from NAME PENDING APPROVAL that’ll really get you on your way to being ‘Cool Pizza Guy’.

Ingredients:

• Beig pizza base

• hoor’a tomato puree

• whap o’ grated mozarella

• Other toppings can be added as required eg. some ham.

Step 1: Set pizza base on a flat surface.
Step 2: Lash everything on hid.
Step 3: Put that shit in the oven for like, a half-hour.

A New York style Pizza.

To start things off here’s a right good classic recipe. This dish is a real hearty affair that’ll do more than warm the cockles of your heart or stick to your ribs, it’ll down right rip your organs apart and dissolve your ribcage.

Here’s what you’ll need:

• A babysized fist of thin cylinderised ingins
• A shmorgasboard of black seasoning
• A bonny dunt of Glan ‘minced’ mince
  
• A skelping of Animal Breast juices, solidified
  
• Squidgin of brining liquor
• Generous helping of Orange Apiaceae

Start off by preheating the heating device to n according to this equation:

75466(47947n - 80755) + 25473 = 86865n + NaN

No need to take into account what kind you own, they all do the job fine. 

Meld the ingredients together one by one, adding in the smaller items in quantities that look right, then transfer to a container of your preference.

Transfer the container to the cooking device and scorch the mixture until the denaturing of the proteins are to your liking.

This is an example of the finished outcome.

The purity of the ingredients really come through in the finished outcome.

Bon Appétit or as they say in our household, “Fuckin’ get at doon ye ya daft cunt or I’ll skelp yer lug.”

Welcome to the ______ _________! This is a ____ dedicated to _______ the great possibilities about being _____ when writing about ____.  I’m sure you all have ____ a ______ before but this is a completely new _____ on the _____. By giving such vague directions the ____, or ‘_____of the ____’ as I like to call them, have to use their own ____ to create ________ ______. Don’t worry, It’ll be a breeze as I’m sure you’re all capable of ______ your ______ _______.  Good _______ my ____ ____. As my mother used to say; “Your only as _____ as ____ drunk ____ _ ___ __  vomiting ______ reeking______ lubricate well___ _ _ __ _____ bacon joint ____…. _____ ___ _ _ hahaha ____ __ _ ___ _ and you’re good to go!”

Yours,

Chef _____